Fear.

The second time I gave birth, fear wound its way into the picture. Because this time I knew what lay ahead; I had learned that pregnancy, like marriage, is an act of courage and faith. Every second-time mother knows the intimate joy of holding in her arms a being whose life is so new, so delicate that the skin is still translucent with heaven. She knows the smell of baby breath and the warmth of a heart that is beating with all four chambers for the first time. She knows.

But she also remembers. She remembers the hard work of growing, carrying, and delivering that child into the world. She bears scares. And she needs to gird her courage around her to do it again. Death and life. Ask any pregnant mother, and you will find her thoughts equally consumed by both. Birth is hard and risky work. It is intimate and exposed at the same time. (Surprised by motherhood Lisa-Jo Baker)

Fear, anxiety, worry. They are all sins, don’t you know? They aren’t just part of our personalities. They aren’t circumstance. They aren’t just something to deal with. They are things the roaring lion tries to use against use daily.

The past couple months have been wild, between what we have gone through with Verity and things happening in friends and family’s lives… stuff I would wish on no one.

I have had this post in the back of my mind since a couple weeks after V was born. Every week seems to bring more ammo. I don’t want to forget how the Lord is comforting me despite my fear though, what He is teaching me despite my knowledge.

I am thankful that my new “fear” hasn’t debilitated me in anyway, but its there… like this stupid imaginary image in the dark that I have to convince myself isn’t there. The truth of the matter is it IS there and I am fighting it daily.

What if Micah gets in a car accident?

What if I go before my children?

What if my children go before me?

What if I spend my entire life investing in them and they aren’t saved?

The mind is a battlefield and it cannot be walked through lightly. I don’t think our hearts and minds were meant to deal with the amount of tragedy and devastation that we see daily. Sure, social media is amazing for community and connecting but it is also a breeder of “what ifs” and comparison. I think it ignites fear on the daily.

We each have a different story though, ya know?

I hope no one else’s baby ever ends up in the hospital twice in two months.

I hope no one else’s family member almost loses their hand.

I hope no one else loses a child or a mother.

I can hope all I want. God is sovereign, but He doesn’t promise these things. Read the bible Sarah, He loves healing people yes, but there are times He lets them go.

What I’ve come to realize is hard… It’s that we value this life, the here and now, way more than the forever.

The forever with Jesus. Where there is no more pain, no more suffering, and praising him who gives eternal life forever more!

Lord, teach me to number my days, not worry about my children’s or husband’s days because you numbered them before they were ever created.

He has taught me so much about His grace these last few months. So so much.

Someday, there will be people saying “death, where is your sting”?

It’s not today though, and so we battle.

We confess, and we fight.

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Posted on February 13, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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