My mind is busy with many things. Because of it this post may be a little discombobulated.
Lately, when people ask the normal: “how are you?” I give the expected, “doing well”, “doing fine”, “doing good” but lately I’ve stopped myself and said you know… “I’m a little overwhelmed but besides that I’m fine”.
What does that even mean?! Yeah, I don’t know either and I’m trying to figure it out.
There is just a lot going on in my heart and mind.
I feel the Lord stirring in me like I haven’t felt in a long time and that thrills me and scares me at the same time. He is doing things, showing me things, etc like He used to deal with me when it was time for me to learn something or obey.
See the thing is… well, I am very quick to ask for forgiveness, say sorry and brush it under the rug.
I don’t like conflict, with others, with myself, within my soul. I just don’t like it, period.
I do that with others, I do that with Micah, and most importantly I do that with God.
There is a huge difference between feeling bad and saying sorry and true repentance.
Sometimes I can fool Micah, but I can’t fool God. He sees. He is El Roi. The God who sees.
The thing is though… there is so much going on in there, I have lost sight. It is a dangerous thing to become insensitive to conviction or become apathetic and complacent. Yes, grace and forgiveness is there, but we should not abuse those attributes of our most awesome God. He is a heart surgeon and I haven’t been letting myself get surgery. I am like Martha and claim I am “too busy” to sit at Christ’s feet and let Him teach me.
I think this stirring is for God to help me see what He does.
I think I have a lot to brush out from under the rug. A lot of heart and mind clean up to let Him do. Please Lord help me be still. I have proved that I cannot on my own.
This may take some time. Pray for me please.
PS: do yourself a huge favor, take an hour, get a good drink, go outside and read all 10 of these blog posts: http://kellyneedham.com/2010/09/26/10-days-of-prayer-and-repentance/